How Much Love Do You Have Inside Of You?
I was thinking about the things I fear the most, and I started lining up the most horrible things I could think of, but there was one thing they had in common…they all dealt with death of someone I love and care for. Is that strange? Is this common? I am interested in what your fears are.
Some people fear spiders, snakes, planes, boats, or any other number of objects, but my greatest fear was something happening to my wife during her delivery of our twins. That has been my worst fear for as long as I could remember. I always feared if I lost the person I loved the most, during the delivery of the second (and third) things I love most in this world, that I would resent the child. I know that I would love my child but I would hate to even think of how I would react if that were to happen. 
Second, of course, is the death of a child. I am a new parent, but I know that I love them more than life itself. It is definitely true that a parent should not bury their child; it is not the way of nature. I can only imagine the pain of those parents who have had to lay their children to rest because of accidents, disease, violence, or war. It has to simply crush the human spirit. You lose a part of yourself; some people never recover and take their own lives because the pain is so great. I, truly, understand that.
Third, and finally, is the death of my immediate family. The death of my parents, grandparents, brother, or sister would be very hard on me. I have never had someone close to me die, not yet, but I know one day it will come and I dread the thought. I have a tough time not thinking about things over and over and I know I would relive my life with these people if something were to happen to them.
Death is an unbiased and relentless piece of life (no pun intended), and it comes in so many forms. Sometimes it is instant, sometimes it is prolonged, sometimes it is illness, and sometimes it is old age (if we are lucky), but it comes at sometime or another. I do not think I will ever be ready for this part of life. When it comes, it will hit me like a ton of bricks. I am a visual person and visual thinker. I will replay all of the possibilities, in my head, of how death could have been avoided and I will, most likely, blame myself. Is this a common feeling? Have any of you had a death in your immediate circle and felt like you could have possibly changed the outcome?
In a nutshell, I would take a pit of snakes, spiders, or any other viscous animal or reptile versus facing the death of the people I love the most, any day. I would feel guilty, I would live in agony, and I may never let it go. It would eat me alive. If my wife or children died, I would definitely be one of those people who die of a broken heart shortly after, because I would never be able to let it go. I would live and feel such pain and heartache that I would either kill myself with stress or take it with the business end of a gun. Love is greater than death and for me, I feel like the luckiest man alive to have been blessed with a beautiful and loving wife and to be the parent of two wonderful twin girls. If any of these wonderful girls left my world before me, I truly believe I would leave soon after. Am I the only one who feels like this, or have any of you experienced this in life? Do any of you feel the same way or feel the polar opposite? I hope to hear your thoughts on my feelings, I would like to hear your feelings, and also, what are some of your worst fears? Till next time…
Well, can we get any deeper?
This is an interesting subject and for the most part I agree with your points of the despair that would be felt. I must say, though, that I view it a little differently.
My wife is afraid of death in just about every sense. But for me I feel a bit differently in different circumstances. When it comes to my own life, I’m not afraid of death in any way. I feel like when my time comes it comes and there isn’t much I could do about it. When it comes to the death of others I feel differently on different levels.
A good friend of mine died a few years ago and there was no doubt that I was completely crushed. I felt a little responsible even though I live two or three states away. He died in a car accident while driving home from a party drunk. Not really any of my doing but I felt guilty because he had been struggling with various forms of addiction for a greater part of the time that I had known him. He would call me on occasion from California and I would tell him to get the hell out of there and come up to Idaho where I was for a while, It would have been good for him. To be in a place where life has a different feel would have been a healthy change for him. I feel some guilt because I should have, maybe, pushed at him harder to come up. Done a better job of convincing him. He never came. He had left me a message and I had neglected to call him back and about 2 months later his sister called me to tell me that he had died. That also made me feel extremely guilty. Honestly, I don’t know if calling him back at that time would have made a difference, but it made me feel like a total ass. Now, however, I have dealt with the pain and I’ll be honest it probably took me a little over a year to get over the whole thing. Now I feel like a lot of things I do, I do with him in mind. I see things for him, Experience things for him. When I see something great, sometimes I think to myself “Do you see what I see Ryan, I really hope you do buddy!” Especially when you lose somebody that went before their time. If you lose a child or a sibling or even a best friend before their time, should you give upon your own life, or live your life with that much more conviction. If you lose a child and then kill yourself or let yourself waste away in a funky depression, I feel like you would be letting them down even more. So, I think, it is more important to deal with the pain and try to do your best to live FOR that person. Does that make sense?
Now there is another coin with parents and grandparents. If my mom were to die tomorrow I would definitely be upset. But there comes a time when you have to realize that everybody doesn’t live forever. When my grandpa died about 10 years ago I was definitely upset but I didn’t shed a tear. He was nearly 70. Another grandpa, actually step grandpa (My half brother’s grandpa) who did raise me for a few years of my life died on my birthday when I was twelve. That really sucked. It’s not the kind of news you want on your birthday.
In closing, I totally know where you are coming from, but I think that everybody has their time and mourning is a process that we all have to endure sooner or later. I think the key is to do it in a healthy way and try to take those losses as almost a motivation to do more with your own life for the ones you have lost. Carry their spirit in your heart and live life to the fullest. That’s all I have to say about that….